Beneath the glitz of much dating advice lies a cynical reverence for the power of packaging and promotion: “Women, be a vixen. Men, learn to seduce. Everyone keep your partner guessing. Lose weight. Be confident. Get out there more.” At the end of the day, this approach doesn’t lead to love. It leads to insecurity and desperation. Luckily, there is a wiser way.
Sexual attraction can’t be forced. Most of us have learned that the hard way. What we haven’t been taught is that sexual attractions can be educated. Even if you’re relentlessly attracted to bad-boys, bad girls, or to unavailable people, you can still learn how to cultivate your attraction to partners who are good for you. This post will teach some ways to do this.
I’m delighted to introduce the Single Person’s Thought Leader Series, in which I will interview some of the most exciting thinkers in psychology, science, spirituality and other fields, each with something vital to say about the search for love. I begin this series with Gay Hendricks, PhD; one of the most renowned teachers in the field of conscious intimacy.
Everyone’s heard this platitude: We need to love ourselves before we can love anyone else. This may sound wise, but it misses a great truth; if we want to experience true intimacy, we need to be taught to love ourselves-again and again-by the people around us. No amount of positive self-talk can replicate this experience. It is a gift of intimacy, not of will-power.
We’re taught that the search for love is a numbers game, with odds stacked in favor of the most attractive. Well, we’ve been taught wrong! When we approach dating as an intimacy journey rather than a numbers game, our whole experience changes for the better. What are your own intimacy lessons? Your answer to one question can reveal them: